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I saw God today. She looked like me.

(do not read if you think of God as an old man in the sky with a penis)

We are the goddesses of our time.

One day, they will tell the story of how you went down into your darkness, faced your shadow, and kissed her sultry lips with burning acceptance.

Where once they referenced goddesses from mythology and lore of old, they will now say your name.

You are the living archetype of Goddess.

Maybe you’ve heard messages like this before and you look at your life and wonder, how am I a goddess? Or how is any woman?

I’ve been there, too.

My adolescent experiences living in Central America and deep in a religious cult spun the narrative that women were not to be trusted, especially with men or in relationships. A woman's body was dangerous at best and property at worst. The heart was deceitful, and discernment was logical and analytical instead of visceral.

I developed a hard exterior and interior shell out of self love and preservation. I began sailing and competing internationally. I built up strength physically, needing to be strong and able to protect myself. I closed myself off to my emotions, believing that the version of masculinity I saw reflected around me was superior and to be modeled after. I became numb inside to the point I would never jump when surprised. I would stand in the shower for long periods of time with cold water hitting my face, in hopes I could access some emotion and cry.

I daily saw violence in the mud streets around my home, and witnessed unspeakable brutality as a result of gang violence, poverty, machismo and addiction.

I went places no other gringa had ever been before and prided myself on my grit.

It wasn't until I learned that my "okayness" was a form of self protection to guard my sensitive soul and heart that I began to alchemize everything I carried.

Gratitude became my lifeline. I began to cultivate safety and worthiness within my body and soul...and I began to emotionally soften.

I cried years worth of pent up tears in a crazy short amount of time.

I turned back towards nature, created design, and found the rhythms and seasons set in motion to hold me.

I turned back towards the sunlight and moonlight, and found nectar for my mitochondria and bones, magnetism for my infradian and circadian rhythms.

I turned back towards the earth, soil, and water, herbs and shrooms, and found nourishment for my body, soul, and spirit.

Nature sighed,
“I have been waiting for you.”

I turned back towards my body and her wisdom, and found rivers of living water flowing from my belly.

I turned back towards the breath and found Ruach Ha Kodesh within me in every inhale and exhale.

I turned back towards the blood, death, and rebirth within me and found the resurrection in my Wombspace every month.

I turned back towards my Yoni and found Heaven on earth waiting for me.

I turned back towards my uninhibited expression and found the joy that is my strength.

My body sighed,
“I have been waiting for you.”

I turned back towards myself and I found God was within me all along.

Wheel within a wheel, deep calling to deep, masculine with feminine, darkness and light, mystery and revelation, humanity and Divinity.

I discovered that God isn’t found in rules, or men, or anger, or a book.

I discovered that everything is Holy, the ordinary is sacred.

I looked in my sisters eyes and saw God.

I looked in the mirror and saw God.

She looked like me.

I sighed,
“I have been waiting for me.”

I have sat in women’s circles and heard it said that you eventually achieve such a place of self healing and growth where you are no longer hurt by people because your love transcends pain and the ability to get hurt.

I have seen spiritual oracles teach that you eventually ascend to a place of 5D enlightenment that enables you to basically no longer care, or feel pain or hurt, because everything is love, love, love…and light codes.

I am not here for Divinity that excludes my gut wrenchingly human ability to love so wide and so deep that it has the capacity to rip me wide open to God.

I want love that evokes devotion. I want love that inspires worship. I want love that feels so much that when it is absent, it is felt deeply to the core.

I want to be able to feel loss. I want to be able to feel betrayal that knocks the wind out of me and brings me to my knees. I want the ability to be able to feel the sting of rejection and the ache of abandonment. Do not try to take these human depths of feeling away from me!

I lived SO MUCH of my life disconnected from my emotions, feelings, and Wombspace. I overcame SO MUCH in my life just surviving. I trudged through SO MUCH of my life separated from my body’s wisdom. I neglected my heart and my feeling body for SO LONG.

I did not do all this healing work just to get to a place where I am so enlightened that I am no longer a wild, oceanic being with depth and presence.

I didn’t alchemize, integrate, embody, heal, reclaim, survive, everything thus far just to get t o a place where I have my head up my well-meditated butt and nothing ever fazes me.

I want to be blown away, I want to be cracked open, I want to be consumed, I want to be awe struck, I want to be obliterated. And I want to be whole.

I want to have seasons of deep rest where the water is like glass, and I want to have seasons where it’s my mettle against the wind and waves.

I want to step out of a cold shower and say, “Damn, damn, damn!” to the world.

I want to be yielded in ecstatic surrender to the point of screaming out my own name, and whispering “Oh golly….” as I drift into bliss.

This is what I came here for. I came here to live eyes wide open. Heart broken by every soft lipped peony, and baby’s giggle.

And I believe this is how we tap into the goddess within. Through truly and deeply LIVING. She’s in the small moments. The pause. The breath.

When you look in the mirror, She’s there staring back at you.

Nothing can ever separate your essence from Hers.

You ARE a goddess, darling. Because THE Goddess lives and breathes within you.

You have been waiting for YOU.
Goddess. Is. Within.

Written by Amanda Rose for She Rose Magazine, Issue 3 "The Goddess"
Photography by Amanda Rose


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