One of the first steps to reclaiming our sexuality as our own is through reclaiming the body as our own. I was estranged from my body for most of my life in ways Ididn't recognize as estrangement. For example, I thought my vulva looked weird and kind of gross for much of my life. I was so used to receiving messages around modesty and purity that anything erotic was bad or sinful, and would lead to somehow giving myself over to "vanity," or a "Jezebel spirit." I didn't necessarily actively think these things, but whenever I would try to tap into any sensuality or sexuality, feelings of intense resistance would arise within me.
I began to practice being more "sexy" soon after I was married in an attempt to loosen up and become more "sexified" as I playfully put it. I would parade around my house in high heels, grasping the walls to not fall over, in an effort to become a more sexual woman.
I successfully became very comfortable with limited expressions of "sexy" within a very sterotypical definition of the term, but I still lacked a basic sense of true ownership of my body. I didn't realize how disconnected I was. I thought that because I had become more bold in the bedroom than most women I knew, because I could give my husband lap dances and strip teases, it must mean I was more embodied and was more deeply connected to my power than most women I knew. Reality could not have been farther from the truth. And it showed up again, and again, as I would compromise on what I was feeling was true for me, as I would neglect my needs or desires, or as Iwould say, "yes" when my truth was, "no." Since I was still living from a place of disconnection from my Wombspace, I was unable to stand fully in my power.
Reclaiming our sexuality isn't just about how to give a killer strip tease, or how to play out a performance of "sexy" by the world's standards. I don't want you to be sexual from a place of disconnect, and I don't want to teach you to mimic a flavor of sexuality that is not your own; every woman has her own unique flavor of sexuality.
Hooking you into society's standard of "sexy" is essentially teaching you to continue to outsource your power in the name of reclamation and sexual freedom.
In my efforts to reclaim my sexual power, I was actually outsourcing it to someone else's standard and definition of sexy. I believe this was primarily because of a lack of relationship, connection, and devotion to my sexuality and Wombspace.
Many things can attribute to this disconnect in women. Negative emotions or connotations around sexuality or being a woman...growing up in a sexually oppressive family, culture or religion...perceived or real abandonment...physical, or sexual trauma...numerous things.
"Yoni" is the Sanskrit name for female genitals. It also means sacred space. If you were raised as I was, you were not taught that your sexuality or your genitals were sacred.
Cultivating the sacred in your Wombspace restores the union between your feminine spirit, sexuality, and body.
Many psychological traumas are stored in the body and a large percentage in the Wombspace, specifically the pelvic floor, cervix, and vaginal walls. We are not just talking about sexual trauma. The Wombspace, as one of the most alchemical aspects of our being, naturally stores emotional and energetic imprints we pick up in our lives.
These traumas and energetic imprints are stored as resistance and patterns of tension. These long-held patterns of tension are called “vaginal armoring”.
Armoring can be defined as chronic patterns of involuntary tension in the body that dampen or block emotional expression, alter perception of both the outer and the inner psychological world, diminish or eliminate kinesthetic awareness and other sensations, and resist range of motion and movement (Greene and Goodrich-Dunn).
We can release these held patterns through a practice called Vaginal De-Armoring. Vaginal De-Armoring is a practice that combines gentle but firm touch (much like acupressure) and engaging the muscles of the pelvic floor. When you de-armor your vagina, you engage the muscles of the pelvic floor and bring awareness to your yoni. Your brain starts to create new neuron pathways that correlate with your wombspace, yoni, and clitoris. New nerve endings form directly in the tissue. This means more lubrication more easily, and increased sensitivity.
You may think that this is bad news for those who experience painful sex, but it is actually helpful. More sensitivity will help relax your yoni. It will communicate to your subconscious that "turn-on" or arousal is happening. Increased sensitivity leads to LESS pain, and not more.
A soft yoni will signal the brain to produce more dopamine. The more dopamine you produce, the more dopamine receptors you create to receive the influx of dopamine. That's right. You have to RECEIVE your own dopamine, or it won't do you any good. This is the key to unlocking lasting pleasure; receivership.
I want to share a couple of simple practices with you, to help support you on your sexual reclamation journey. The first is a vaginal de-armoring practice and the second is a sensual pleasure feast!
Vaginal De-Armoring Practice
Vaginal de-armoring has the power to help you heal old wounds and awaken the life and pleasure you truly desire. If you notice stirring emotions during this practice, remember to be gentle with yourself. Go slow. Consider taking a break to journal, rest, or spend time re-grounding in nature. Your Yoni and Wombspace are amazing, magical places capable of bestowing new life, creating new ideas and visions, and providing you with amazing erotic experiences. By connecting to your Yoni and your Wombspace, you can start accessing your feminine power, and your creative and orgasmic potential. Before you begin, gather together everything you will need and create a sacred space for yourself. You may need:
Intimate Lubricating Oil
Glass of warm water to gently warm your intimate oil
Candles, Incense, or Essential Oil Diffuser and Oils
Sage Bundle or Palo Santo
Journal and Ink Pen
Something to drink, (water, tea, or cacao)
Cozy socks, if your feet are prone to being cold
Play music that feels soothing, or sensual, depending on your mood. Create your space, and set everything out that you're able to. If you can have a special place in your home (perhaps a guest room or the master bedroom, if it's off limits for children) where you're able to keep things set up this is wonderful as all you need to do is go in, light the candles and turn the music on. It makes the practice more accessible and easier to do more often. However, as I remind all of my clients, your practices are for YOU and not you for the practice. This means you can make it as simple or as extravagant as you're able to for your lifestyle. Light your Sage bundle or Palo Santo and cleanse the space. Light your candles, or start your diffuser. Speak a blessing over the space and your time you'll spend with the practice. Open your journal to a fresh page. Remove your clothing, and continue the rest of the practice naked. Lie down on your bed, or your yoga mat with your warmed oil close by.
Make sure your neck and head are comfortable and consider propping up your knees with a pillow to take pressure off of your lower back. Rub both of your hands together to create energy through friction, and warmth. Gently place your left hand over your heart and your right hand over your Wombspace, or wherever you intuitively feel led to touch and place your hands. Let out a deep sigh. Now, take a deep breath in through the nose, into the belly. Allow your belly to fully expand with the breath, soft and supple. As you continue to inhale, allow the breath to fill your ribcage, and your chest until you are full with life force energy and fresh oxygen. On the exhale, instead of blowing the breath out, simply allow it to escape through your lips as a soft sigh. You can even gently moan or sigh audibly, as if with relief.
Take a few moments to tenderly breathe this way as you connect to the warmth from the palms of your hands. Consciously connect to your heart, and embody gratitude for the moment.
Move your conscious awareness to the Wombspace next. Breathe deeply and take your time. Allow anything to arise that needs to be witnessed.
Invite yourself to relax and soften as much as you feel safe to do so.
Trust your deep wisdom to guide you.
Invite Spirit to move within you as you dedicate this time to receiving and softening.
Allow your guard to come down, feel the internal walls melting as you surrender to the Divine Masculine who watches over and keeps you.
Invoke the Spirit of Wisdom, Sophia, or the Divine Feminine to bring to the surface anything that is ready to be released or cleansed. If you feel led, take time to journal through anything She brings to you.
During your practice, allow yourself to feel what arises, as emotions may come up to be released, and you may experience a lot of strong sensations.
If at any moment you don't feel safe, STOP THE PRACTICE.
Come back to safety, and begin again when you are re-sourced.
Take your warmed oil and gently apply it to your vulva. Find the top of your vaginal opening, and take one finger and gently but firmly press into the soft tissue here. Breathe deeply as you press and hold, and allow the area to relax.
Repeat with the left, bottom, and right sides of your vaginal portal. You can imagine a compass over the face of your vagina and use that to navigate, if it is more helpful. You can begin at North, moving to South, then East, and finally West.
When you feel ready, and your body has consented to being entered, gently move your finger inwards. Repeat the process gently and firmly as you proceed deeper and deeper within your vaginal canal. If you find a spot that feels tender or especially tense, spend some extra time breathing into that spot as you press and release. However you choose to close or end the practice is the right way to close.
Cup your hand over your vulva and breath deeply as you gently "hug" yourself.
When you're ready, gently stand up and take your time, thinking of this as an intense massage. Avoid sudden movements, and drink lots of water afterwards.
Sensual Pleasure Feast
Some ideas of things you can gather for your practice:
Fresh fruits and berries: strawberries, cherries, raspberries, plums, watermelon, peaches, cantaloupes, etc.
Melted chocolate to dip fruit into, raw cacao mixed with coconut oil, or cocoa butter, to coat fruit in, hot fudge, etc.
Warm honey or warm coconut oil
Candles, Incense, Sage Bundle, Palo Santo, etc.
Yoga Mat, or large bedsheet (use the floor if you prefer, but make sure it is an easy surface to clean!)
Something to drink
Crank up the sexy music and prepare your sensory spread. I love putting a sheet down on the floor in front of my full length mirror for this practice. What's your favorite fruit, or dessert? What reeeeaaally lights you up and brings you pleasure or a sense of indulgence when you eat it? Get it out and spread it out before you--I am alllll about that sensory overload when it comes to foodscapes. And ambiance can be half of the experience. Light some candles, cleanse your space, and get out your favorite dishes. Shine the silver, ting the wine glass with your fork, and throw away the napkins because things are going to get messy! Strip down to your bare lips and settle yourself in amongst your bountiful pleasure-spread. Start by engaging all of your senses in this feast, one at a time. First, begin with your sense of sight. Take in the colors of what you have before you. How does it look? What is the texture you can see? How does it behave? Can you engage with it and allow yourself to feel the pleasure of taking it in with your eyes?
Next, begin to touch and feel what you have chosen to begin with. Take it in your hands, or dip your finger in. How does the temperature feel, what is the felt texture like against your skin? If you can, hold it up to your mouth and gently brush your lips with it. For example, trail the cherry or strawberry over your lips and just feel the sensations and feelings it brings up. Or drizzle the melted chocolate lightly over your mouth and let it dribble down your chin. Pour warm honey over one of your shoulders and feel its sticky warmth coating you. Engage your sense of smell by allowing the scent of the fruit, or food to fully fill your nostrils and lungs. Allow yourself to feel pleasure through the smells that are enticing you. Finally, allow yourself to bite into the juicy (or gooey, or crunchy, or bubbly) goodness and allow yourself to taste and revel in the mess and the raw experience, "unfiltered" by manners. Moan and "mmm" as you savor. Notice: how does it feel to bite into a big juicy piece of fruit, letting your cheeks redden with strawberry or watermelon goodness? Let yourself enjoy the tickle of something running down your belly, if it happens. Feel fully how it feels to savor slowly, indulging all of your senses, entirely committed to the pleasure and engaged in the practice.
If you're feeling especially fiery, watch yourself eat in the mirror...pleasurably....naked....juice dribbling down your chin...warm coconut oil on your thighs...chocolate beneath your tongue...honey drizzled across your breasts... Explore with the erotic, take it deeper and let it become more sexual as you continue. How does it feel to let melted chocolate drip down your bare breasts? What happens when you drizzle warm honey over your lap? As you feel the slick, sticky mixture warmed by your thighs spreading even down between your vulva lips... Try to really FEEL and EMBODY the emotions associated with the sensations you're experiencing. When I say "embody" I simply mean to fill your body with the feelings, and to allow your body to respond naturally to this infilling. Include your body in this practice. Let your facial features express, your body language convey, and your tone of voice communicate with you. Consider journaling about your experience and the feelings, emotions, and reactions it brought up for you as you engaged with the practice. Explore those deeper, and use this as a doorway to greater portals of ecstatic pleasure.
I hope you enjoy both of these practices, and may you experience greater depths of sexual freedom as you cultivate deeper connection and intimacy with your Yoni, and sensual pleasure. Your unique flavor of sexuality is there for you to discover, within your Wombspace!